Ever since our miscarriage back in April, my relationship with God has changed.
During my mourning and grief I kept asking myself, WHY GOD WHY? I'm healthy, we've had a successful pregnancy, we want this child, and so on.
It didn't seem fair.
A some point during all this struggle I had taken Evie shopping. We were at the grocery store just before dinner and she was begging me for a "peezey pouch" (squeeze pouch). I knew that she might have a melt down if I didn't give it to her, but I also knew we were going home for dinner and I didn't want to ruin her appetite. As her mother I could see the big picture of the situation. I knew what was best for her despite of her whining and near tantrum.
It got me thinking.
This is exactly how God works with us. As the all-knowing Father, he sees the big picture when we cannot. When we're that kid in the grocery store begging for a snack. He sometimes says, "Wait. I have something better"
I always knew this about God, but I didn't know it until we lost little baby Albert. Doesn't the Lord grant us the desires of our heart? Why would he take away this child from us? Something that is inherently good. Something that is made in His image and likeness.
....Something that for whatever reason, God knew it wasn't the right time for us. Just like Evie begging for a snack - food - something inherently good, doesn't mean it's the right time.
It's hard to understand that in the midst of mourning. It has taken me a few months of processing to really know in my heart that God has a plan. We have to pray for him to reveal it, trust in it, and hope in it.
Easier said than done, huh?
That was so beautifully spoken. I didn't realize you were as far along as you were. I saw moms at PA who seemed to have it together sheet miscarriages and I thought that was wonderful but being younger I never thought much of it until now. Thanks for sharing this. I bet God gave you Evie first because He knew you'd learn this powerful lesson -- and because Evie is adorable
ReplyDeleteI've read (silently) for many years. I found you via Ashley (Our Little Apartment) a few years back, when you were pregnant. Anyways, this post resonated with me. I'm not trying to have kids yet, because we're waiting until i have passed my nclex (registered nurse exam) and have a job. It's very frustrating because I've wanted kids for the past 3+ years of our 5-year marriage and I feel like every time I get closer, something pushes it away. I just need to take a step back and realize that God has a great plan for me, even though I want a baby right now, it just isn't the timing yet. Of course, I do fear infertility and miscarriages once we start trying since we've waited so long, but I'll have to rely on God for strength if either occurs.
ReplyDeleteSorry for rambling in your comments.
it certainly is easier said than done. many hugs.
ReplyDeleteI am feeling this a lot lately with my desire for marriage (very different issue but same sentiment). I think I'm just a late bloomer with most things, but now that *I* feel ready for that part of my life, I'm trying not to get frustrated with God's timing. I know, like you said, there is a bigger plan, and something better awaits, so I'm just trying to prepare myself and be patient in the meantime. I loved what you wrote though, so true for many times in our lives.
ReplyDeleteThat's such a great analogy. I think it will be easier for me to look back and think, "Oh. THIS spacing and THIS child is perfect. This isn't what I wanted? Because I am SO glad this is the case!" just like I did with Gabe, who surprised us by making us parents a year before we expected to be.
ReplyDeleteRight now? It's hard for me to be like, "Yeah. God made me have two miscarriages and really despair and suffer because there's something better waiting for me." I do imagine a future baby as a way to console myself, but what if it never happens, you know? But I'm still in the thick of the post-loss stage, so time will help.
<3
Thank you for your honesty. I can only imagine the second in such a short time only intensifies and prolongs the heartache. Hang in there, friend.
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful...and so true. I've really been thinking and praying through some similar thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThis is going to sound so corny, but whatever-- an image I keep thinking about is a beautiful piece of thread. On it's own it doesn't make sense, but it still has beauty in and of itself. And God is going to take that thread and make something even more beautiful, even more grand. So, when I am having a "woe is me" moment (like a million times a day), I stop and just remind myself that this difficult period of wanting something so different than the reality (aka, to be pregnant) are part of something much bigger, more incredible than I would have imagined.