Here it Goes: My Fears of a Repeat Labor, Delivery and Recovery Experience

With the countdown less than ten weeks until Baby Buergler #2 is due, I had a sudden panic of all the things that "went wrong" with the end of my pregnancy, the labor & delivery, and my recovery.  I am terrified of a repeat.  I have been doing my best to mental prepare, should they, but it was just SO MUCH last time that I am almost in tears again just thinking about a repeat experience.

1. Preeclampsia   

I was diagnosed with preeclampsia around week 36-37 with Evie. It only occurs in about 5-8% of pregnancies. Fortunately once you've had it you're not more likely to get it. Each pregnancy is unique. Still, I know more about now than I did then. It's dangerous (Lady Sybil anyone?).  I am terrified to repeat that: The headaches. The bed rest. The edema. The blood pressure feeling like my body was going to explode.  After a short stint on bed rest I had to be induced. I was also passed back and forth between the doctor and midwife, and neither of them really explained the importance of certain steps of recovery.  In hindsight I think this contributed to my post-partum depression. (See below)

2. Labor & Delivery 

Like I said, I had to be induced. The nurses started the first part of the induction, swearing no one goes into active labor for 12 hours and therefore offered me not one, but two Ambien and Benedryl to help me sleep.  6 hours later I was in full, active labor, and in within 11 hours I was holding my baby girl in my arms.  While I had a Pitocin and Epidural free labor like I wanted, I barely remember any of the process (some say this is a blessing and I agree to a certain extent).  

Honestly, I am terrified. I don't know what to expect as far as real labor goes, nor do I think I can really do a natural child birth again because, well, I don't really remember it.  I feel like a first time mom all over again.  I am letting my head get in the way.  Instead of feeling empowered by a previous natural birth, I am actually overwhelmed by it. 

3. Nursing 

Because of the preeclampsia and the Ambien, it took me a full 24 hours to feel human after having Evie. All I wanted to do was sleep.  I was so, so exhausted.  Meanwhile, the lactation consultants and nurses were forcing Evie on my breast.  My body was so swollen and exhausted.  Evie had a hard time latching... it was all down hill from there.

In hindsight part of our issue was my exhaustion for the first two weeks.  Part of it was the mechanics. My breasts were really swollen and Evie has a lip tie.  All of these contributed to a really challenging experience that landed me exclusively pumping for 6 months.

Looking forward, my breasts have not grown as large as they did last time. I'm also more comfortable with the idea of formula and bottle feeding, so the emotional fight isn't there.  I have also done a lot of reading on some of my errors with Evie, but also more tricks to try and more options we have for success.  Though, all of this is still a huge unknown, and is frustrating for me to try to plan summer activities. I hate not having a plan!

4. Recovery and weight loss

I did not take my recovery seriously.  I did not nap when the baby napped. And because I was trying to both pump and bottle feed Evie, my nights did not include much rest either.  This led to migraines, exhaustion, short tempers, and binge eating to make up for the endorphins normally found in rest and exercise.  The baby weight didn't come off as promised...how could it if I wasn't sleeping or walking, and was binge eating junk?  And this contributed to a horrible body image for several months to follow.

Of these five fears, the likelihood of this "repeating" or not going according to plan, this is the least likely. I know I need to rest, shower, and walk.  And this time I am not afraid to ask for help.

5. Postpartum Depression and Anxiety 

It took about 6-8 weeks for me to admit that I was suffering from this horrible disease.  Having since done research I now know that women who suffer from preeclampsia and/or are on bed rest are more likely to have PPD.  Being cooped up in the house in the winter, and the huge lifestyle change of having a newborn compounded the problem.  And I also now know that binge eating sweets & grains causes many, many Americans to suffer from depression and/or anxiety.  I was put on a series of medications for a little over a year to help break the cycle of depression. In the meantime, I learned which foods can trigger these things so I stopped eating them, and therefore finally lost weight. I was able to get outside again not only to exercise but to interact with people. And so on.  

Folks with a history of depression are more likely to have it again, so I am genuinely concerned about this.  I talked to my midwife, who suggested placenta encapsulation, but I just don't know if I can stomach the idea of that.  I am not above taking the prescription drugs again for a short while, but I hear you should start them in the hospital immediately after birth.  Well, how do I know if I really need them yet?  So, that leaves me with trying to eat low grains, low processed foods, and hope that it continues to work.

What worries me the most is that PPD&A was an underlying factor to my recovery, weight loss, and breastfeeding issues.  It was interwoven into my life for several months.  I am fearful of those panic attacks, or crying spells, or hating my child.  It was heartbreaking.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

While this is a very serious, very long term concern, it's also something I am humble enough to admit and quickly ask for help should the need arise.  I hope that if it happens again I will be able to recognize it sooner and have a better starting point with a medicine and dosage to get the most relief the fastest. 

More on these issues as they unfolded two years ago -- Expectations of Motherhood and On the State of Me: Four Months Post-partum